I began writing this and was interrupted. I'm not good at stopping for a long period of time and being able to pick up where I left off, so I'm just going to end this one here. I did not want to throw away what I had already written, so this will be a prelude of what is to come...
So I said that if he did come, it may not be what he thinks it will. I explained that I was very unhappy with the status of our relationship and there was a lot to talk about. He said that he did not care. He just wanted to see me and celebrate my birthday with me. Neither one of us had money, so we couldn't go out and celebrate, but just having him would be good enough for me. So once again, we made plans for him to come visit me for my birthday. I made sure I informed my cousin ahead of time, and after playing 21 questions with her, she agreed he could come. That's when the anxiety and excitement began. I was still very angry and upset with him, but my hope was renewed. He wanted to come and see me, he wanted to try to work things out. I didn't know what exactly got him to make a turn around, but I was grateful for whatever it was.
I started making preparations for him to come. I couldn't get a bed or anything because I didn't have money, so I warned him that we would be sleeping on a pallet on the floor that I made out of about 7 or 8 blankets. I also told him that we would be watching dvd's because there was no cable. There was also the chance that we wouldn't have electricity when he came because the storm knocked ours out for days. He didn't care about any of it. He just wanted to come. I was thrilled.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Only me...
The building shook. And I don't mean one of those slight movements that you sometimes feel when trucks go by or when work is being done nearby. I mean the building SHOOK. It kept shaking for at least 60 seconds or maybe more and then just stopped. I was confused and shocked. I had no idea what the heck had just happened and before I could open my mouth to say anything one of the ladies interviewing me said "Was that an earthquake?!?" Naturally I tried to play it cool. I just sat there looking around while the building was shaking (with a complete disaster going on inside of my head) telling myself to just stay where I was and keep calm. The lady that asked if it was an earthquake got up and left the room to go and make sure that her team was alright. In the meantime, the other lady looked at me, and I looked at her and we continued the interview. It would be only me that has an earthquake interrupt my interview. LOL. I think I handled it wonderfully though. About two days later I received a phone call from the recruiter that got me the interview. She said...well...that can wait.
I got home from the interview and started making phone calls to make sure that everyone was alright after the earthquake. I heard that it could be felt all the way up to NY. Also, it was powerful enough that it knocked some things over in my cousin's shop and broke them. It was just so weird to have an earthquake in Pennsylvania to me. I had actually never been anywhere near one. This was actually the same day that I broke up with my BF, but it was hours before it actually happened. This day was the exact same day that we were supposed to get his ticket to come see me for my birthday the next week. So naturally he was one of the people that I called to check in on after the earthquake. We talked for about 45 seconds. I asked him was everything ok and he said he didn't even feel the earthquake. Then he told me he was mowing the lawn and would call me back when he was finished. I was a bit put off by how he rushed me off of the phone and didn't even bother to ask me how my interview went. I tried to ignore it and went on with the rest of my day. Everybody else was fine. Some felt the earthquake more than others, but nothing serious.
Later that night I called him again. This time I was very frustrated because not only did he not return my phone call, he was completely ignoring the fact that I had a very important interview, and he never called me so we could set up his Greyhound ticket. Besides the fact that I really need him to do what he says he is going to do when he says he is going to do it, there was a 7-day advance ticket purchase discount that I wanted him to take advantage of. If we didn't get the ticket soon he would lose out on it. So I called and he actually answered the phone (twice in one day was rare for him to pick up the phone). Of course, as soon as he picked up he said he was busy with his dad and had to call me back. That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. This had been going on for almost two months and I had enough of it. I sent him a text message saying how hurt and disappointed I was, and that he has been neglecting and ignoring the relationship long enough. I told him how I was feeling and said that I didn't really see a resolution because I cannot even get him to talk to me on the phone for more than 60 seconds at a time. I said I felt like he either didn't want to be with me anymore or was cheating on me. Either way, it was over. I waited and waited for a response and received nothing in return. Days went by and I hadn't heard anything at all back from him. Then Hurricane Irene came and the situation played out with my friend calling him and him picking up the phone. So I got on my wifi phone and ripped him a new one. He was so shocked that he had no choice but to respond. He was caught. He said he didn't want to argue and that I broke up with him. So I said "of course I broke up with you, you aren't acting like any kind of decent boyfriend I've ever heard of!" I also added in that a lot has been going on with me and I'm always trying to keep him in the know and he could care less. If he didn't care about what was going on in my life, and didn't care if he ever spoke to me and obviously didn't want to come see me...well what the hell were we in a relationship for?
His response made me feel like I had just stepped into the Twilight Zone. He texted me and said he wanted to come see me, and he was still coming if I would allow him to. He did not want to break up and is sorry for the way he has been acting. He needs me in his life and doesn't want to lose what we have. Well, this doesn't happen very often in my life at all, but I was completely speechless. I didn't even know what to say back to him. I did tell him that it may be pointless because I was very hurt and angry and the trip wouldn't be all peaches and cream for him. He says he didn't care. He promised he was coming for my birthday and he planned on keeping his promises starting with that one. This was definitely not the way I thought this conversation would go. Honestly I had no clue how the conversation would go. Normally I would have never called him again and never picked up the phone if he tried to call me, but for some reason I just couldn't let it go. Now that he was telling me what I wanted to hear, I didn't know what to say. So I said...
I got home from the interview and started making phone calls to make sure that everyone was alright after the earthquake. I heard that it could be felt all the way up to NY. Also, it was powerful enough that it knocked some things over in my cousin's shop and broke them. It was just so weird to have an earthquake in Pennsylvania to me. I had actually never been anywhere near one. This was actually the same day that I broke up with my BF, but it was hours before it actually happened. This day was the exact same day that we were supposed to get his ticket to come see me for my birthday the next week. So naturally he was one of the people that I called to check in on after the earthquake. We talked for about 45 seconds. I asked him was everything ok and he said he didn't even feel the earthquake. Then he told me he was mowing the lawn and would call me back when he was finished. I was a bit put off by how he rushed me off of the phone and didn't even bother to ask me how my interview went. I tried to ignore it and went on with the rest of my day. Everybody else was fine. Some felt the earthquake more than others, but nothing serious.
Later that night I called him again. This time I was very frustrated because not only did he not return my phone call, he was completely ignoring the fact that I had a very important interview, and he never called me so we could set up his Greyhound ticket. Besides the fact that I really need him to do what he says he is going to do when he says he is going to do it, there was a 7-day advance ticket purchase discount that I wanted him to take advantage of. If we didn't get the ticket soon he would lose out on it. So I called and he actually answered the phone (twice in one day was rare for him to pick up the phone). Of course, as soon as he picked up he said he was busy with his dad and had to call me back. That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. This had been going on for almost two months and I had enough of it. I sent him a text message saying how hurt and disappointed I was, and that he has been neglecting and ignoring the relationship long enough. I told him how I was feeling and said that I didn't really see a resolution because I cannot even get him to talk to me on the phone for more than 60 seconds at a time. I said I felt like he either didn't want to be with me anymore or was cheating on me. Either way, it was over. I waited and waited for a response and received nothing in return. Days went by and I hadn't heard anything at all back from him. Then Hurricane Irene came and the situation played out with my friend calling him and him picking up the phone. So I got on my wifi phone and ripped him a new one. He was so shocked that he had no choice but to respond. He was caught. He said he didn't want to argue and that I broke up with him. So I said "of course I broke up with you, you aren't acting like any kind of decent boyfriend I've ever heard of!" I also added in that a lot has been going on with me and I'm always trying to keep him in the know and he could care less. If he didn't care about what was going on in my life, and didn't care if he ever spoke to me and obviously didn't want to come see me...well what the hell were we in a relationship for?
His response made me feel like I had just stepped into the Twilight Zone. He texted me and said he wanted to come see me, and he was still coming if I would allow him to. He did not want to break up and is sorry for the way he has been acting. He needs me in his life and doesn't want to lose what we have. Well, this doesn't happen very often in my life at all, but I was completely speechless. I didn't even know what to say back to him. I did tell him that it may be pointless because I was very hurt and angry and the trip wouldn't be all peaches and cream for him. He says he didn't care. He promised he was coming for my birthday and he planned on keeping his promises starting with that one. This was definitely not the way I thought this conversation would go. Honestly I had no clue how the conversation would go. Normally I would have never called him again and never picked up the phone if he tried to call me, but for some reason I just couldn't let it go. Now that he was telling me what I wanted to hear, I didn't know what to say. So I said...
Friday, November 4, 2011
Life Does Get Better
His response to me...can wait. There were a lot of other things going on in my life. In August we had a surprise birthday party for my cousin's husband. She made him a pretty awesome and memorable cake. My job was to clean, cook and decorate for the party. I spent the day cleaning the house and got two visits from my cousin delivering groceries for the party. I made wingettes and collard greens. They actually came out pretty darn good. We also had chips and something else to eat, but I can't remember what. I also started decorating, but I was a bit too short to hang certain things up (I'm only 5'3") so one of her friends had to help me. The most difficult part of the surprised party was making sure he didn't come home too early. We left that part up to one of their friends. She is a girl that works with the husband and also goes to church with us. She is also not from this area so we had something in common already. It was her job to figure out a way to keep him out of the house. She decided that she would ask him to come and set up her Internet for her. She thought that it would take up enough time to keep him occupied until we were ready. It wasn't. He's a computer whiz (better than me) and was finished with that very quickly. Later on that night we got to hear about how she sent him out to the store and even pulled out photo albums to show him to try to keep him away from home. Of course, he knew his wife was going to plan something for him and started to get agitated and really wanted to go home. She kept calling us to keep us informed and we knew we would have to hurry up before he just decided to go home.
The party turned out to be a lot of fun and the surprised wasn't ruined. I plugged in my cell phone to an aux cord for some music (i have over 2000 songs to choose from). We did the Cha Cha, the Cupid Shuffle, and the Dougie. And we did it all in a very small space, but we had a lot of fun. I spent my time getting to know the guests and dancing with the kids. It was a good day for me because for once I wasn't somewhere crying or feeling lonely. My mind was completely on the party and everything going on around me. After the party was over I told my cousins that I would clean up the next day so they wouldn't have much to do.
That is one of the few events that I remember during the month of August. We had a picnic with our church that was either at the end of July or some time during the month of August. That was pretty interesting. I still didn't know a lot of people that were there. I wound up either on the phone or playing scrabble. We only stayed for a little while because it was pretty hot outside and we were getting attacked by bugs. The one good thing about PA is that the mosquitoes are nothing like NJ mosquitoes. I went home with just a couple of bites, but if I was back home I would have been covered head to toe in mosquito bites. My cousin didn't fare as well as I did. She got bit more than me and also has regular allergies through out the year. When they come, they take her down. She is a mess until she can get some medication in her. I have had some late night runs of looking in stores for allergy meds for her.
On the job front I was still doing the same thing as usual. Filling out as many applications as humanly possible. I was starting to get some calls, but they seemed to be a bit shady. I was supposed to go to an interview in Hershey, but my cousin didn't think that they paid me enough to take the long drive everyday and use up so much gas. It was just a server position and we weren't sure how much they would be paying. Good news was coming though. I had been conversing with a woman from an IT company that seemed to think she could get me an interview for a helpdesk job. I doubted anything would come of it because I didn't think that I was completely qualified. Still, she called me back and told me she had set up an interview for me with the company for August 23rd. I was very excited, but nervous at the same time. I hadn't had my hair done in a long time and my dreads were all crazy, I had no interview clothes, and again I didn't feel qualified. Nevertheless I was going to make it to the interview. My interview time was somewhere around 2pm, but I was about 40 minutes early for the interview. I wound up wearing an outfit that I had just worn to church that past Sunday. It is actually the very outfit that is on my Blogger profile. I was worried because I have three tattoos and two of them were showing with that outfit. The problem was that my cousin was a little bigger than me and a lot of her clothes were too big. I wanted to look presentable and not have my clothes falling off of me. I took a chance with a skirt and short sleeves and hoped they were understanding about the tattoos.
I was called upstairs and was interviewed by two people at the same time. One of them would be my direct supervisor if I was hired, and the other one would be her supervisor. They seemed nice enough and were actually around my age. About ten minutes into the interview though something very strange happened...
The party turned out to be a lot of fun and the surprised wasn't ruined. I plugged in my cell phone to an aux cord for some music (i have over 2000 songs to choose from). We did the Cha Cha, the Cupid Shuffle, and the Dougie. And we did it all in a very small space, but we had a lot of fun. I spent my time getting to know the guests and dancing with the kids. It was a good day for me because for once I wasn't somewhere crying or feeling lonely. My mind was completely on the party and everything going on around me. After the party was over I told my cousins that I would clean up the next day so they wouldn't have much to do.
That is one of the few events that I remember during the month of August. We had a picnic with our church that was either at the end of July or some time during the month of August. That was pretty interesting. I still didn't know a lot of people that were there. I wound up either on the phone or playing scrabble. We only stayed for a little while because it was pretty hot outside and we were getting attacked by bugs. The one good thing about PA is that the mosquitoes are nothing like NJ mosquitoes. I went home with just a couple of bites, but if I was back home I would have been covered head to toe in mosquito bites. My cousin didn't fare as well as I did. She got bit more than me and also has regular allergies through out the year. When they come, they take her down. She is a mess until she can get some medication in her. I have had some late night runs of looking in stores for allergy meds for her.
On the job front I was still doing the same thing as usual. Filling out as many applications as humanly possible. I was starting to get some calls, but they seemed to be a bit shady. I was supposed to go to an interview in Hershey, but my cousin didn't think that they paid me enough to take the long drive everyday and use up so much gas. It was just a server position and we weren't sure how much they would be paying. Good news was coming though. I had been conversing with a woman from an IT company that seemed to think she could get me an interview for a helpdesk job. I doubted anything would come of it because I didn't think that I was completely qualified. Still, she called me back and told me she had set up an interview for me with the company for August 23rd. I was very excited, but nervous at the same time. I hadn't had my hair done in a long time and my dreads were all crazy, I had no interview clothes, and again I didn't feel qualified. Nevertheless I was going to make it to the interview. My interview time was somewhere around 2pm, but I was about 40 minutes early for the interview. I wound up wearing an outfit that I had just worn to church that past Sunday. It is actually the very outfit that is on my Blogger profile. I was worried because I have three tattoos and two of them were showing with that outfit. The problem was that my cousin was a little bigger than me and a lot of her clothes were too big. I wanted to look presentable and not have my clothes falling off of me. I took a chance with a skirt and short sleeves and hoped they were understanding about the tattoos.
I was called upstairs and was interviewed by two people at the same time. One of them would be my direct supervisor if I was hired, and the other one would be her supervisor. They seemed nice enough and were actually around my age. About ten minutes into the interview though something very strange happened...
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Is it really over?
Before I actually told him it was over, there were weeks and weeks of constant bickering, ignoring each other, arguing, hanging up on each other and one of us breaking up with the other every five minutes. Not only was this the most fighting we had ever done, but it was the longest we had gone without seeing each other. This distance was not a good thing for my relationship. Those 5 or 6 weeks were agony. I wasn't used to things being like that and it was really taking a toll on me. I needed some distractions and to do something productive with my time. So...
In the meantime I was constantly filling out job applications. The problem with the application process was that I had no car to get me to whatever job may have wanted me. My cousin's husband said I could use his car, but sharing is never a good thing. Especially when it comes to cars. A person can tell you all they want that you can use something of theirs, but when it comes down to it, the situation will end disastrously. I DID NOT want to use either one of their cars, but it was looking like I didn't have a choice.
I had begun a car search to figure out what I wanted to try to get. I settled in the beginning on a Honda Prelude. This has been my favorite car for years. My very first car was a black 1986 Honda Prelude that I totalled when I rear ended a van by mistake. I was so devastated when I lost that car. Then years later I had a black 5 speed 1992 Prelude. I loved that car and didn't think I would ever get rid of it, but I eventually put it up for sale because I got pregnant with my daughter and could barely fit in it to drive anymore. LOL. Plus with two kids that just was not an ideal car to have. So I sold it to a couple in Maryland. I always wonder if they still have it...
So I decided that I wanted either a Honda Accord or an Acura CL. Those two cars appealed to me for some reason and I started a super search for both of them. The Accords are easier to find and less expensive. This time I want leather and power features for my car. I would be fine with a 98 or 99 with the ultimate package included. Very high expectations for a person that wasn't working yet. LOL. I like to plan ahead and know what I want though, and I wanted to try to use my time wisely instead of always doing something frivolous. I always took the new car magazines that you can get for free from the gas stations and looked up cars on craigslist. I also spent some time looking up apartments so I could get a feel for how much things cost around here. Apartments definitely perked my mood up because they are sooo much cheaper than NJ. The issue with apartments is that my credit is not the best and I would not dare ask someone to cosign for me. So I had to start coming up with a plan on how to do it on my own. I figured that offering more of a security deposit may sound good to some landlords. If only I had some income so that I could get this plan into action. Easier said than done...
So for about a month and a half I had a schedule of either getting up and going to the shop with my cousin, or staying home and doing job applications. I loved being at the shop, but hated getting up super early if it wasn't for a job. I knew I had to keep doing job applications, but being at home by myself all day everyday was driving me nuts. I was not sleeping very well and I didn't have much of an appetite. When the cable was turned back on it was very basic cable so for the most part there was never anything on. Even worse, I was starting to run out of places to apply for. I was getting nervous because in NJ it took me a year to find a job, and that one was just a temp job. There was no way I could be out here for a year with no income. No way in hell.
I think either at the end of July or the beginning of August my loneliness was temporarily cured. My cousin's god daughter and sister in law were coming to visit. They were both teenagers, but one of them was 17 and I always love spending time with teen girls. I remember how hard it was for me being a teenager and having someone to talk to at that age was essential. Back in NJ I was always spending time with my little cousin and my niece. I just hope that my influence in their lives mean as much to them as it does to me. They stayed for a week and it was actually a lot of fun. I got to know both of them very quickly and I really liked having them around. We played cards and board games and watched scary movies together. The older of the two was going to her senior year in high school so I talked to her about college and boys and life at home. We formed a bond in a very short amount of time. I used that time to take a slight break from typing my name, address and telephone number over and over again on job applications. I think by that point I had applied to at least thirty or forty jobs all over southern PA. I even applied for some in Maryland. (We live about twenty minutes from the PA/MD border)
In all this time I was still sleeping on the couch downstairs because I didn't have a bed or anything to sleep on in the attic bedroom. I figured I was better off on the soft couch than the hard floor. Well that changed the last day that the girls were there. Something happened that scared me into sleeping upstairs with the girls and never sleeping back downstairs again...I saw a mouse. The mouse wasn't even dirty, it's just the fact that it was a mouse. I do not like them one bit. To make it even worse, these PA mice don't know how to be afraid of humans like the ones in Jersey. They just look at you like you're invading their space and keep it moving. I told my cousins about it and relocated myself to the attic. I guess I would just have to deal with the hard floor now because I was not sleeping with the rodents. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an infestation by a long shot, but in my mind seeing one meant that I would be attacked in my sleep by a whole army of them. LOL. I know...ridiculous and dramatic but it's how my mind works.
My saving grace was that my cousins had rounded up all the blankets in the house for the girls and they were sleeping in them in the attic. After they left I just piled them all on top of each other and made myself a pallet. It was comfortable enough for me and at least now I had some privacy. I had been writing my BF at least once a week since I arrived in PA, and I decided to write him again. He never wrote me back but he usually called or texted and said he received my letter. We weren't on the best of terms but I tried to make an effort to write anyway. This was still a few days before I broke up with him. I have no idea what was in the letter, but I always wrote from the heart. Anything I wrote to him he knew was the truth and I always wrote him when I felt like I wanted to express something to him without arguing. My birthday was coming soon and I was turning 30. I wasn't sure how i felt about that and knew I wouldn't really be able to celebrate. So I wrote him about all the things I felt at the moment. The state of the relationship, me needing a job, a car, my birthday, my family, everything.
We didn't talk very much at all during these times and when we did it was rarely good. But this time when he called me he wanted to come and see me for my birthday. I was shocked, but excited about it. I wanted him to see my life now and also see the changes in me. I was still going to church every week and it was doing me a lot of good. My attitude and temper were getting a lot better, and I had a more positive outlook on life. I was trying my best to become a better woman. The plan was for us to buy his ticket a week ahead of time so that we weren't doing things at the last minute (which always ensures something getting screwed up). So that Tuesday I waited all day for him to call me so we could book his ticket. He did not bother to call me and when I called him he was on the phone with me for all of about 20 seconds and said he would call me back. He didn't. This was definitely not the first time he did this. Most of our phone calls were less than a minute with him rushing off the phone.
I couldn't even get him on the phone long enough to break up with him. So I sent him a text. I told him that I was tired of going through this. That he obviously wasn't interested in the relationship or me anymore, and that I wished he could have just been man enough to say it to me instead of treating me like this. I do not enjoy having my feelings hurt. There was a lot more in the text but I don't quite remember it. Also, he didn't bother to call me or even text me back. Great. So days went by and we were all preparing for what would be Hurricane Irene coming our way. I had been keeping track of it on the news and was worried because they were saying that Jersey would get hit pretty bad. My brain jumped straight to my kids and where they would be when the hurricane hit. I texted my ex but he never responded to me. That was normal. I couldn't keep minutes on my phone so I was using Google voice which is text message only. I texted a few people to find out how they were doing when it started raining. The part of PA I live in was not supposed to get it too bad, so my worry was for everyone else. I even texted my BF (ex) but of course he didn't respond to me.
Well, Irene left me with no electricity. I didn't understand it. I didn't go to sleep until about 2am, and then I kept getting awaken by the sounds of trees falling or scraping against the window. Why the hell did the electricity wait until the storm was mostly over to go out? Oh well, there was nothing I could do. I used the little bit of power left on my phone and turned on the wifi. I got online to look at how bad the damage was in NJ. It was pretty bad. I texted my loved ones and everybody was ok. Then I texted my BF (ex) and he didn't respond to me. Now I was getting worried because I wasn't asking about anything except if he was ok after the storm. He didn't answer. So I texted my friend and asked her to dial his number and see if someone picks up. He picked up on the first or second ring. When she told me that I went ballistic. I sent him a text that ripped him a new one. He had no choice but to text me back after that because I went off. I let him have it and then told him to go to hell. His response to me? You aren't gonna believe it...
In the meantime I was constantly filling out job applications. The problem with the application process was that I had no car to get me to whatever job may have wanted me. My cousin's husband said I could use his car, but sharing is never a good thing. Especially when it comes to cars. A person can tell you all they want that you can use something of theirs, but when it comes down to it, the situation will end disastrously. I DID NOT want to use either one of their cars, but it was looking like I didn't have a choice.
I had begun a car search to figure out what I wanted to try to get. I settled in the beginning on a Honda Prelude. This has been my favorite car for years. My very first car was a black 1986 Honda Prelude that I totalled when I rear ended a van by mistake. I was so devastated when I lost that car. Then years later I had a black 5 speed 1992 Prelude. I loved that car and didn't think I would ever get rid of it, but I eventually put it up for sale because I got pregnant with my daughter and could barely fit in it to drive anymore. LOL. Plus with two kids that just was not an ideal car to have. So I sold it to a couple in Maryland. I always wonder if they still have it...
So I decided that I wanted either a Honda Accord or an Acura CL. Those two cars appealed to me for some reason and I started a super search for both of them. The Accords are easier to find and less expensive. This time I want leather and power features for my car. I would be fine with a 98 or 99 with the ultimate package included. Very high expectations for a person that wasn't working yet. LOL. I like to plan ahead and know what I want though, and I wanted to try to use my time wisely instead of always doing something frivolous. I always took the new car magazines that you can get for free from the gas stations and looked up cars on craigslist. I also spent some time looking up apartments so I could get a feel for how much things cost around here. Apartments definitely perked my mood up because they are sooo much cheaper than NJ. The issue with apartments is that my credit is not the best and I would not dare ask someone to cosign for me. So I had to start coming up with a plan on how to do it on my own. I figured that offering more of a security deposit may sound good to some landlords. If only I had some income so that I could get this plan into action. Easier said than done...
So for about a month and a half I had a schedule of either getting up and going to the shop with my cousin, or staying home and doing job applications. I loved being at the shop, but hated getting up super early if it wasn't for a job. I knew I had to keep doing job applications, but being at home by myself all day everyday was driving me nuts. I was not sleeping very well and I didn't have much of an appetite. When the cable was turned back on it was very basic cable so for the most part there was never anything on. Even worse, I was starting to run out of places to apply for. I was getting nervous because in NJ it took me a year to find a job, and that one was just a temp job. There was no way I could be out here for a year with no income. No way in hell.
I think either at the end of July or the beginning of August my loneliness was temporarily cured. My cousin's god daughter and sister in law were coming to visit. They were both teenagers, but one of them was 17 and I always love spending time with teen girls. I remember how hard it was for me being a teenager and having someone to talk to at that age was essential. Back in NJ I was always spending time with my little cousin and my niece. I just hope that my influence in their lives mean as much to them as it does to me. They stayed for a week and it was actually a lot of fun. I got to know both of them very quickly and I really liked having them around. We played cards and board games and watched scary movies together. The older of the two was going to her senior year in high school so I talked to her about college and boys and life at home. We formed a bond in a very short amount of time. I used that time to take a slight break from typing my name, address and telephone number over and over again on job applications. I think by that point I had applied to at least thirty or forty jobs all over southern PA. I even applied for some in Maryland. (We live about twenty minutes from the PA/MD border)
In all this time I was still sleeping on the couch downstairs because I didn't have a bed or anything to sleep on in the attic bedroom. I figured I was better off on the soft couch than the hard floor. Well that changed the last day that the girls were there. Something happened that scared me into sleeping upstairs with the girls and never sleeping back downstairs again...I saw a mouse. The mouse wasn't even dirty, it's just the fact that it was a mouse. I do not like them one bit. To make it even worse, these PA mice don't know how to be afraid of humans like the ones in Jersey. They just look at you like you're invading their space and keep it moving. I told my cousins about it and relocated myself to the attic. I guess I would just have to deal with the hard floor now because I was not sleeping with the rodents. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an infestation by a long shot, but in my mind seeing one meant that I would be attacked in my sleep by a whole army of them. LOL. I know...ridiculous and dramatic but it's how my mind works.
My saving grace was that my cousins had rounded up all the blankets in the house for the girls and they were sleeping in them in the attic. After they left I just piled them all on top of each other and made myself a pallet. It was comfortable enough for me and at least now I had some privacy. I had been writing my BF at least once a week since I arrived in PA, and I decided to write him again. He never wrote me back but he usually called or texted and said he received my letter. We weren't on the best of terms but I tried to make an effort to write anyway. This was still a few days before I broke up with him. I have no idea what was in the letter, but I always wrote from the heart. Anything I wrote to him he knew was the truth and I always wrote him when I felt like I wanted to express something to him without arguing. My birthday was coming soon and I was turning 30. I wasn't sure how i felt about that and knew I wouldn't really be able to celebrate. So I wrote him about all the things I felt at the moment. The state of the relationship, me needing a job, a car, my birthday, my family, everything.
We didn't talk very much at all during these times and when we did it was rarely good. But this time when he called me he wanted to come and see me for my birthday. I was shocked, but excited about it. I wanted him to see my life now and also see the changes in me. I was still going to church every week and it was doing me a lot of good. My attitude and temper were getting a lot better, and I had a more positive outlook on life. I was trying my best to become a better woman. The plan was for us to buy his ticket a week ahead of time so that we weren't doing things at the last minute (which always ensures something getting screwed up). So that Tuesday I waited all day for him to call me so we could book his ticket. He did not bother to call me and when I called him he was on the phone with me for all of about 20 seconds and said he would call me back. He didn't. This was definitely not the first time he did this. Most of our phone calls were less than a minute with him rushing off the phone.
I couldn't even get him on the phone long enough to break up with him. So I sent him a text. I told him that I was tired of going through this. That he obviously wasn't interested in the relationship or me anymore, and that I wished he could have just been man enough to say it to me instead of treating me like this. I do not enjoy having my feelings hurt. There was a lot more in the text but I don't quite remember it. Also, he didn't bother to call me or even text me back. Great. So days went by and we were all preparing for what would be Hurricane Irene coming our way. I had been keeping track of it on the news and was worried because they were saying that Jersey would get hit pretty bad. My brain jumped straight to my kids and where they would be when the hurricane hit. I texted my ex but he never responded to me. That was normal. I couldn't keep minutes on my phone so I was using Google voice which is text message only. I texted a few people to find out how they were doing when it started raining. The part of PA I live in was not supposed to get it too bad, so my worry was for everyone else. I even texted my BF (ex) but of course he didn't respond to me.
Well, Irene left me with no electricity. I didn't understand it. I didn't go to sleep until about 2am, and then I kept getting awaken by the sounds of trees falling or scraping against the window. Why the hell did the electricity wait until the storm was mostly over to go out? Oh well, there was nothing I could do. I used the little bit of power left on my phone and turned on the wifi. I got online to look at how bad the damage was in NJ. It was pretty bad. I texted my loved ones and everybody was ok. Then I texted my BF (ex) and he didn't respond to me. Now I was getting worried because I wasn't asking about anything except if he was ok after the storm. He didn't answer. So I texted my friend and asked her to dial his number and see if someone picks up. He picked up on the first or second ring. When she told me that I went ballistic. I sent him a text that ripped him a new one. He had no choice but to text me back after that because I went off. I let him have it and then told him to go to hell. His response to me? You aren't gonna believe it...
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Internal Peace? Yeah right...Part 2
So there I was sitting on the front steps at four o clock in the morning with my boyfriend next to me not knowing where to go or what to do. I was so mad and disappointed in him that I couldn't even form words. Not even in Jersey for 24 hours yet and already having issues that could have been avoided. (This is usually when people close to me say that's what I get for being with someone five years younger than me. Perhaps they are right...sometimes) The next few days were spent walking the very hot streets of Rahway, sleeping in cars, sneaking around and barely eating or showering. Not at all my idea of fun. The biggest issue was that my boyfriend paid for my ticket to get out there, and he didn't get paid again until a week after I got there. Not good.
I believe I arrived in NJ on a Wednesday. From Wednesday to Friday we did the best we could with the situation. I was miserable. It was over 100 degrees outside, I had no money, barely any food, barely enough to drink and was starting to feel terrible. Of course, this led to arguments between me and my BF. I felt like he had no right to even argue with me because if he did what he said he was going to do, we wouldn't be in that situation. At the same time, I should have just stayed in Pennsylvania. Anyway, Saturday comes around and I'm at my wits end. I wind up standing in the street crying probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I wanted to go home. I didn't realize it, but he called my cousin. I'm not sure what he said to her, but she bought me a ticket to go back home Sunday morning. I was so happy and relieved. All I had to do was make it through one more night. Easy as pie...yeah right!
I think that may have been the hottest day of that week and being outside was taking it's toll on me. My BF snuck us into one of his father's houses, and of course he just happened to come there and find us and swiftly tossed us out on our asses. The rest of the day was spent walking around. I kept trying to tell my BF that I was getting tired of walking around, but I guess he just thought I was whining about nothing. The day started to turn into night, and we ran into one of his friends. He was at a bar we were walking past and he asked if we wanted to come in. I jumped at the chance because the bar was air conditioned. Any relief I could get from the heat was welcome. We went into the bar and his friend offered us a drink. My BF got a beer and I got a glass of wine that I really didn't want. I drank about half the glass of wine and gave the rest to him. I just wanted to sit back and enjoy the air while I could. We were in there for maybe 30-45 minutes and reluctantly left. As soon as I stepped outside I felt odd. I told him that I didn't feel right, but we really had no place to go and had to walk to get back to the spot we were sitting at all day. We walked back to the spot and sat there and hung out with one of his friends. It was completely dark out by now and we had to find some place to go. We figured we could either sit in the train station all night or sneak back into his mother's car. Either way, we had a walk ahead of us. I pushed myself off of the unit that I was sitting on, and the world went snowy. I vaguely remember saying "Babe, I think I'm about to p..." The world went black.
Most of the rest of this night is fuzzy to me, so what I remember is either a fuzzy image in my head, or something that was told to me later on. What I do remember is feeling like I lost time. I felt as though I had blinked, but when I opened my eyes I was on the ground with my shirt pulled halfway up covered in liquid. My BF was hovering over me trying to wake me up. I was very confused. I sat up and tried to focus on his face, but I just couldn't get my brain to tell me who he was. I felt fond of him and he was very concerned about me, but my brain was not connecting the dots very well. Then, just like that, the world went black again. This time I blinked (or it seemed like it) and opened my eyes and my shirt was pulled all the way off and liquid had been poured onto my abdomen and face. My BF tried to help me up and he told me that I looked at him and said "I don't know who you are but I love you too." He was saying something like "Baby please wake up, I love you" over and over again. I couldn't hear him very well because my ears seemed to be blocking out all sound, or at least most sounds. Trying to listen to things was kind of like having cotton in my ears. I got up and started trying to walk around a little. I sat down on some stairs and tried to get my bearings. Then I heard sirens. I didn't know why I heard sirens but I did know that I was on somebody else's property and there was a chance that with all the commotion, they called the cops. So what did I do? Took off running. I ran into a dark parking lot and started to feel dizzy. Instead of passing out I ducked between two cars and just knelt down and put my head down. I could hear my BF calling me but I refused to answer. I didn't really know who he was either. I was freaked out and very afraid. I thought I was losing my mind. He eventually found me and told me that the sirens were an ambulance and police because they dialed 911. I was still afraid and just didn't want to go to the hospital. I had enough of my brain left to remember that I was unemployed and uninsured. So we gathered up my things and set off walking toward the train station.
I was trying to walk fast to get out of the area, but he wanted me to slow down. He said that walking fast would just draw attention to us, not to mention possibly make me pass out again. So I slowed down. We were walking about ten minutes when I started to feel "not right" again. I literally sat down in the middle of an abandoned parking lot and tried to wait it out. BF spotted a little bench across the street that you sit on to wait for city buses and he helped me up and helped me walk across the street to the bench. I got to the bench and sat down and slowly started to feel my brain malfunctioning again. I lifted my shirt a little and put my back against the glass hoping to feel some coolness. I found some cookies in my bag and thought maybe my blood sugar was low. I started to try to eat the cookies which was more difficult than I thought because my mouth was very dry. I started to feel better, and then worse again. I could feel myself about to pass out and conveyed the message as best I could to my BF. Next thing I know I hear him running and chasing cars down to try to get a ride to the hospital. Surprise surprise, nobody wanted to help. Eventually he called 911 again and the ambulance was on their way. A police officer came first and gave me some oxygen. It helped, but not as much as I thought it would. I could feel the darkness creeping over me again. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived. They came over to me and told me to get up and get on the stretcher that they had for me. I was very weak and confused by then and just couldn't muster up the energy to move. When I opened my eyes to look around my vision was snowy around the edges. I could not ever describe any of the faces around me because I could barely see them. I stood up (with help) and slowly walked over to the stretcher. When I finally made it to the stretcher, I couldn't figure out how the hell I was going to hoist myself up onto it. I just stood there looking at it unable to speak. I could hear my BF hysterically saying something, but I couldn't hear him very well. All I know is the world started to spin and my body started to slide toward the ground. Hands grabbed me and tried to help me, and I was lost inside of my own brain. I could not move or talk or open my eyes. I felt unconscious, but I could hear what everybody around me was saying. They kept talking to me trying to make me snap out of it, but I just couldn't do anymore. I had done all I could so and said all I could say.
Well they gave up (temporarily) on trying to get me to talk and decided to start to work on me. They took my heart rate and blood pressure. I remember later seeing that my blood pressure 90/40. I am still unsure of how bad that is, but I know it's bad. What I also remember was hearing them say they had to give me an IV...now that woke me up! I hate IVs. I have very small veins that do not do well when IVs are being shoved into them. I slowly opened my eyes and gave the girl to my left a pleading look. She noticed me looking at her and told the lady to my right. She proceeded to ask me a lot of questions again. Before I could answer any of them, I turned my head again and said "Please don't give me an IV, and if you must, please DO NOT put it in my hand." She said she would try my arm first, but I was very dehydrated and she had to get it in the best way she could...she put it in my damn hand. Not only did she put it in my hand, but they had the fluids running at full speed to try to rush the liquids into my system. I guess that should have told me just how dehydrated I was. They asked me what I was doing outside, how long I had been outside, if I had eaten, had I been drinking water, and so on and so on. I answered the questions as best as I could and then slowly my mind drifted off and a face came into focus in my brain. "Oh my God...where is ________???" I was asking for my BF. I finally remembered him and had no clue where he was. They told me he was riding with the driver and I felt relief wash over me. I remembered the panic in his face from earlier and wanted him to know I was getting help.
We arrived at the hospital where they ran all kinds of tests on me and pumped me full of IV fluids. I felt like I was just escaping death. I had no energy, I was sweaty, my knees and elbows were scraped up and hurting from passing out, and I could barely stay awake. This had to be the worst night of my life. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before. I have been intoxicated to the fullest and had never gone through this type of thing. It turns out that I was dehydrated, had a 90/40 blood pressure drop, was suffering from heat exhaustion and had a UTI. Perfect. What else could go wrong? I was in and out of consciousness for the rest of the night and was released early the next morning. The day is so blurry that I think we took a cab to the train station. We sat there until it was time for my train to come and I was glad to get the hell out of there. I felt like absolute crap and vowed never to spend another minute in NJ. Of course, I could never keep that vow because my children live in NJ. At least for the time being I had the illusion that I was never coming back to NJ again.
I arrived back in PA and my cousin picked me up in Harrisburg. As much as I felt like it was strange, I was glad to be back "home." I had a place to sleep and food to eat and air conditioning. For the next week or so I was very fatigued and my damn hand hurt. I also felt like I was going to pass out every single time I stood up, so I did a good job of keeping still. My cousin told me how foolish it was of me to go to NJ with hardly any money and no definitive place to stay. I agreed. I was very upset about the whole situation. The more I thought about it the more upset that I got. With myself and with my BF. Things could have gone smoothly if he had simply done what he said he would do. Talking to him was no good either. He had an attitude and was not being very nice to me. Things were going downhill very fast and I was ready to just deal with the pain and break up. So I told him it was over...
I believe I arrived in NJ on a Wednesday. From Wednesday to Friday we did the best we could with the situation. I was miserable. It was over 100 degrees outside, I had no money, barely any food, barely enough to drink and was starting to feel terrible. Of course, this led to arguments between me and my BF. I felt like he had no right to even argue with me because if he did what he said he was going to do, we wouldn't be in that situation. At the same time, I should have just stayed in Pennsylvania. Anyway, Saturday comes around and I'm at my wits end. I wind up standing in the street crying probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I wanted to go home. I didn't realize it, but he called my cousin. I'm not sure what he said to her, but she bought me a ticket to go back home Sunday morning. I was so happy and relieved. All I had to do was make it through one more night. Easy as pie...yeah right!
I think that may have been the hottest day of that week and being outside was taking it's toll on me. My BF snuck us into one of his father's houses, and of course he just happened to come there and find us and swiftly tossed us out on our asses. The rest of the day was spent walking around. I kept trying to tell my BF that I was getting tired of walking around, but I guess he just thought I was whining about nothing. The day started to turn into night, and we ran into one of his friends. He was at a bar we were walking past and he asked if we wanted to come in. I jumped at the chance because the bar was air conditioned. Any relief I could get from the heat was welcome. We went into the bar and his friend offered us a drink. My BF got a beer and I got a glass of wine that I really didn't want. I drank about half the glass of wine and gave the rest to him. I just wanted to sit back and enjoy the air while I could. We were in there for maybe 30-45 minutes and reluctantly left. As soon as I stepped outside I felt odd. I told him that I didn't feel right, but we really had no place to go and had to walk to get back to the spot we were sitting at all day. We walked back to the spot and sat there and hung out with one of his friends. It was completely dark out by now and we had to find some place to go. We figured we could either sit in the train station all night or sneak back into his mother's car. Either way, we had a walk ahead of us. I pushed myself off of the unit that I was sitting on, and the world went snowy. I vaguely remember saying "Babe, I think I'm about to p..." The world went black.
Most of the rest of this night is fuzzy to me, so what I remember is either a fuzzy image in my head, or something that was told to me later on. What I do remember is feeling like I lost time. I felt as though I had blinked, but when I opened my eyes I was on the ground with my shirt pulled halfway up covered in liquid. My BF was hovering over me trying to wake me up. I was very confused. I sat up and tried to focus on his face, but I just couldn't get my brain to tell me who he was. I felt fond of him and he was very concerned about me, but my brain was not connecting the dots very well. Then, just like that, the world went black again. This time I blinked (or it seemed like it) and opened my eyes and my shirt was pulled all the way off and liquid had been poured onto my abdomen and face. My BF tried to help me up and he told me that I looked at him and said "I don't know who you are but I love you too." He was saying something like "Baby please wake up, I love you" over and over again. I couldn't hear him very well because my ears seemed to be blocking out all sound, or at least most sounds. Trying to listen to things was kind of like having cotton in my ears. I got up and started trying to walk around a little. I sat down on some stairs and tried to get my bearings. Then I heard sirens. I didn't know why I heard sirens but I did know that I was on somebody else's property and there was a chance that with all the commotion, they called the cops. So what did I do? Took off running. I ran into a dark parking lot and started to feel dizzy. Instead of passing out I ducked between two cars and just knelt down and put my head down. I could hear my BF calling me but I refused to answer. I didn't really know who he was either. I was freaked out and very afraid. I thought I was losing my mind. He eventually found me and told me that the sirens were an ambulance and police because they dialed 911. I was still afraid and just didn't want to go to the hospital. I had enough of my brain left to remember that I was unemployed and uninsured. So we gathered up my things and set off walking toward the train station.
I was trying to walk fast to get out of the area, but he wanted me to slow down. He said that walking fast would just draw attention to us, not to mention possibly make me pass out again. So I slowed down. We were walking about ten minutes when I started to feel "not right" again. I literally sat down in the middle of an abandoned parking lot and tried to wait it out. BF spotted a little bench across the street that you sit on to wait for city buses and he helped me up and helped me walk across the street to the bench. I got to the bench and sat down and slowly started to feel my brain malfunctioning again. I lifted my shirt a little and put my back against the glass hoping to feel some coolness. I found some cookies in my bag and thought maybe my blood sugar was low. I started to try to eat the cookies which was more difficult than I thought because my mouth was very dry. I started to feel better, and then worse again. I could feel myself about to pass out and conveyed the message as best I could to my BF. Next thing I know I hear him running and chasing cars down to try to get a ride to the hospital. Surprise surprise, nobody wanted to help. Eventually he called 911 again and the ambulance was on their way. A police officer came first and gave me some oxygen. It helped, but not as much as I thought it would. I could feel the darkness creeping over me again. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived. They came over to me and told me to get up and get on the stretcher that they had for me. I was very weak and confused by then and just couldn't muster up the energy to move. When I opened my eyes to look around my vision was snowy around the edges. I could not ever describe any of the faces around me because I could barely see them. I stood up (with help) and slowly walked over to the stretcher. When I finally made it to the stretcher, I couldn't figure out how the hell I was going to hoist myself up onto it. I just stood there looking at it unable to speak. I could hear my BF hysterically saying something, but I couldn't hear him very well. All I know is the world started to spin and my body started to slide toward the ground. Hands grabbed me and tried to help me, and I was lost inside of my own brain. I could not move or talk or open my eyes. I felt unconscious, but I could hear what everybody around me was saying. They kept talking to me trying to make me snap out of it, but I just couldn't do anymore. I had done all I could so and said all I could say.
Well they gave up (temporarily) on trying to get me to talk and decided to start to work on me. They took my heart rate and blood pressure. I remember later seeing that my blood pressure 90/40. I am still unsure of how bad that is, but I know it's bad. What I also remember was hearing them say they had to give me an IV...now that woke me up! I hate IVs. I have very small veins that do not do well when IVs are being shoved into them. I slowly opened my eyes and gave the girl to my left a pleading look. She noticed me looking at her and told the lady to my right. She proceeded to ask me a lot of questions again. Before I could answer any of them, I turned my head again and said "Please don't give me an IV, and if you must, please DO NOT put it in my hand." She said she would try my arm first, but I was very dehydrated and she had to get it in the best way she could...she put it in my damn hand. Not only did she put it in my hand, but they had the fluids running at full speed to try to rush the liquids into my system. I guess that should have told me just how dehydrated I was. They asked me what I was doing outside, how long I had been outside, if I had eaten, had I been drinking water, and so on and so on. I answered the questions as best as I could and then slowly my mind drifted off and a face came into focus in my brain. "Oh my God...where is ________???" I was asking for my BF. I finally remembered him and had no clue where he was. They told me he was riding with the driver and I felt relief wash over me. I remembered the panic in his face from earlier and wanted him to know I was getting help.
We arrived at the hospital where they ran all kinds of tests on me and pumped me full of IV fluids. I felt like I was just escaping death. I had no energy, I was sweaty, my knees and elbows were scraped up and hurting from passing out, and I could barely stay awake. This had to be the worst night of my life. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before. I have been intoxicated to the fullest and had never gone through this type of thing. It turns out that I was dehydrated, had a 90/40 blood pressure drop, was suffering from heat exhaustion and had a UTI. Perfect. What else could go wrong? I was in and out of consciousness for the rest of the night and was released early the next morning. The day is so blurry that I think we took a cab to the train station. We sat there until it was time for my train to come and I was glad to get the hell out of there. I felt like absolute crap and vowed never to spend another minute in NJ. Of course, I could never keep that vow because my children live in NJ. At least for the time being I had the illusion that I was never coming back to NJ again.
I arrived back in PA and my cousin picked me up in Harrisburg. As much as I felt like it was strange, I was glad to be back "home." I had a place to sleep and food to eat and air conditioning. For the next week or so I was very fatigued and my damn hand hurt. I also felt like I was going to pass out every single time I stood up, so I did a good job of keeping still. My cousin told me how foolish it was of me to go to NJ with hardly any money and no definitive place to stay. I agreed. I was very upset about the whole situation. The more I thought about it the more upset that I got. With myself and with my BF. Things could have gone smoothly if he had simply done what he said he would do. Talking to him was no good either. He had an attitude and was not being very nice to me. Things were going downhill very fast and I was ready to just deal with the pain and break up. So I told him it was over...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Internal Peace? Yeah right...
It turns out that settling in and getting comfortable consisted of sitting on the couch crying my eyes out. At night or if I was home during the day, I sat on the couch and cried. I knew it would happen. There was so much turmoil inside of me that it had to come out eventually. All I could do is think about how I got to this place, and I couldn't figure out where to start to get myself out of that place. I tried watching dvd's, playing on facebook, and playing The Sims on the Wii. None of it distracted me for long though. My mind can really be my own worst enemy. Normally with so much time on my hands I would read. I love to read horror/mystery/suspense novels and I can go through them very quickly. I went in the basement and looked through some of my cousin's boxes (she is also a reader) and found some interesting looking books and bought them upstairs. Of course everytime I tried to read, the tears blurred my vision. I couldn't even get into a book.
So one day I got up with my cousin and went to the bake shop with her. I figured helping her was more productive than red, puffy eyes. I was starting to learn how to shape fondant into certain figures. I am not really artistic, so I stuck to making very simple shapes. I kept the difficult stuff to the professionals. Still, it was a pretty fun and cool process. I am always happy to learn something new, and I was glad to feel like I was helping the household out in some type of way. As I'm sitting in the back helping make fondant shapes, my boyfriend calls me. I immediately get up and walk away from the workers because recently every single time I talk to him I cry. I miss him so much and do not know the next time I will see him. We argue all the time and I have been breaking up with him everyday. He pretty much ignores the break ups because he knows that I am an emotional wreck, but he is also human and I'm driving him a bit crazy. So he calls and I go in the front to talk to him. I tell him how much I miss and love him and eventually start to cry. I guess I took a long time on the phone because my cousin came to find me and saw that I was crying. She wanted to know what was wrong. I said "I don't know." I told her I'm a basketcase and that crying is a part of my everyday activities. She said that the she knew it was coming because the girl that was there before me didn't move off the couch for two weeks and cried the whole time. Well, at least I was doing better than her. LOL.
When I think back now I think that my mind was just overwhelmed. I was in a brand new house, in a brand new area that I knew nothing about, my kids were far away, my boyfriend was far away, and I had no job and nothing to do. My mind raced constantly and it became difficult to focus on any one thing. What I thought of as a solution came about two weeks after I got to PA. I was going to go and visit NJ. My boyfriend promised that he would have things worked out for a place for me to stay, and I would try to take the shuttle to see my babies while I was out there. Of course, that did not go as planned. The day I was supposed to leave I got a sign that I should not go, but I was being stubborn. The bus that I had to take to get to Amtrak got stuck in hours worth of traffic. I had to call and get a later ticket because of it. I usually take stuff like that as a sign to just turn around, but the ticket was non-refundable and I wanted to see the people I loved most in this world. So I got on the train with reservations and excitement, and started my journey back to a place I was slowly starting to realize I didn't want to be.
My boyfriend was very excited that I was coming back for a few days. We didn't leave things on a good note and I guess he wanted to change that. I hadn't told anybody else that I was coming, mostly because I don't even think they knew I was gone. Him and his dad were gonna pick me up from Newark Penn Station and then we would get dropped off at his mom's house where we were staying...except I couldn't stay there. He never told her I was coming and therefore did not ask permission for me to come. (something I would have loved to know before I got on the freaking Amtrak) But his plan B was that we could stay in the attic (his old bedroom) and nobody would know we were there. Well the thing about that is I just happened to go to NJ on the three hottest days of the year. It was above 100 degrees outside, and much hotter than that in the attic. There was no air conditioner up there and he borrowed a fan from his sister. A fan that did no good at all. It was terrible. The heat was so bad I could barely breathe. If it was 105 outside, it was 110 or 115 in the attic. I stayed up there until about 4am. He was going to try to sneak me into the house where the a/c was because he didn't want me to pass out. Well that didn't work out very well. His mom just happened to be awake and proceeded to curse me out and tell me she was going to call the cops on me. I was raised to respect people's mothers so I didn't say a word back to her. I just walked away feeling very embarrassed.
Stay tuned for Internal Peace? Yeah right...Part 2...
So one day I got up with my cousin and went to the bake shop with her. I figured helping her was more productive than red, puffy eyes. I was starting to learn how to shape fondant into certain figures. I am not really artistic, so I stuck to making very simple shapes. I kept the difficult stuff to the professionals. Still, it was a pretty fun and cool process. I am always happy to learn something new, and I was glad to feel like I was helping the household out in some type of way. As I'm sitting in the back helping make fondant shapes, my boyfriend calls me. I immediately get up and walk away from the workers because recently every single time I talk to him I cry. I miss him so much and do not know the next time I will see him. We argue all the time and I have been breaking up with him everyday. He pretty much ignores the break ups because he knows that I am an emotional wreck, but he is also human and I'm driving him a bit crazy. So he calls and I go in the front to talk to him. I tell him how much I miss and love him and eventually start to cry. I guess I took a long time on the phone because my cousin came to find me and saw that I was crying. She wanted to know what was wrong. I said "I don't know." I told her I'm a basketcase and that crying is a part of my everyday activities. She said that the she knew it was coming because the girl that was there before me didn't move off the couch for two weeks and cried the whole time. Well, at least I was doing better than her. LOL.
When I think back now I think that my mind was just overwhelmed. I was in a brand new house, in a brand new area that I knew nothing about, my kids were far away, my boyfriend was far away, and I had no job and nothing to do. My mind raced constantly and it became difficult to focus on any one thing. What I thought of as a solution came about two weeks after I got to PA. I was going to go and visit NJ. My boyfriend promised that he would have things worked out for a place for me to stay, and I would try to take the shuttle to see my babies while I was out there. Of course, that did not go as planned. The day I was supposed to leave I got a sign that I should not go, but I was being stubborn. The bus that I had to take to get to Amtrak got stuck in hours worth of traffic. I had to call and get a later ticket because of it. I usually take stuff like that as a sign to just turn around, but the ticket was non-refundable and I wanted to see the people I loved most in this world. So I got on the train with reservations and excitement, and started my journey back to a place I was slowly starting to realize I didn't want to be.
My boyfriend was very excited that I was coming back for a few days. We didn't leave things on a good note and I guess he wanted to change that. I hadn't told anybody else that I was coming, mostly because I don't even think they knew I was gone. Him and his dad were gonna pick me up from Newark Penn Station and then we would get dropped off at his mom's house where we were staying...except I couldn't stay there. He never told her I was coming and therefore did not ask permission for me to come. (something I would have loved to know before I got on the freaking Amtrak) But his plan B was that we could stay in the attic (his old bedroom) and nobody would know we were there. Well the thing about that is I just happened to go to NJ on the three hottest days of the year. It was above 100 degrees outside, and much hotter than that in the attic. There was no air conditioner up there and he borrowed a fan from his sister. A fan that did no good at all. It was terrible. The heat was so bad I could barely breathe. If it was 105 outside, it was 110 or 115 in the attic. I stayed up there until about 4am. He was going to try to sneak me into the house where the a/c was because he didn't want me to pass out. Well that didn't work out very well. His mom just happened to be awake and proceeded to curse me out and tell me she was going to call the cops on me. I was raised to respect people's mothers so I didn't say a word back to her. I just walked away feeling very embarrassed.
Stay tuned for Internal Peace? Yeah right...Part 2...
Monday, October 31, 2011
Settling in
My last post ended when I arrived in York and arrived at my new home. The house was beautiful with a good amount of space. It has a basement, first floor, second floor and finished attack. At the time I had no clue what the attic looked like because there was somebody else living up there. One of my cousin's best friends also needed an escape from NJ so they allowed her and her daughter to live with them. Unfortunately that situation turned out to be horrible. She promised to help with bills and chores and wound up making both things worse. Her and my cousin weren't even speaking when I got to the house, and I could see that it was definitely time for her to leave.
I would be sleeping on the couch since someone was occupying the attic. I did not mind at all because a comfortable couch was better than a park bench or a sidewalk. The situation in NJ when I left was horrible, so there was no place for me to go. My uncle apparently got drunk and decided to tell my family that I stole money from him. He is living in my grandmother's house. I would go there a lot because I could charge my phone on her porch and had a bathroom to use. So my uncle's money went missing and he accused me because my great uncle told him that he saw me go to use the bathroom. He called me and asked me about his money, and I told him I wouldn't take money from him no matter what my situation was. I guess he didn't believe me because he told me that me and my boyfriend weren't allowed to come over there anymore. The same day my grandmother berated me about using her porch to charge my phone without asking, so that was my queue to get the hell out of the area. The whole world was coming down on me it seemed. A day or two later my uncle called to apologize because he found his money. I didn't speak to him directly but he left a voicemail on my phone. By then, my feelings were too hurt to respond or call him back. Between him and my grandmother I decided that I wasn't going anywhere near that house anymore. He was not the first family member to accuse me of stealing something that I didn't take. That situation left me with very few options, so the feeling of being completely alone in the world was starting to settle right in.
Unfortunately when I got to my cousin's house they had no cable. Boredom is not good for me. My mind never quite settles down enough for me to get the rest I need. There also was no internet, but we could always steal it from the neighbors until they caught on. My initial days were spent trying to find dvd's to watch, or books to read, or people to text. I woke up with my cousin and helped her out in her shop. When I wasn't busy I was crying. I do not like to cry in front of other people, so I'm good at putting on the best real/fake smile I can muster and then completely break down when nobody is looking. Most of the crying came late at night. I was in a strange new place, I had to leave my children in NJ, I had left my boyfriend in NJ and wasn't even speaking to him at the moment, and it seemed like nobody else in the world cared about where I was or what I was doing. I had a prepaid phone that was always running out of minutes, so it was difficult to stay in touch with the outside world. Thank god for google voice. My AT&T phone that was out of commission was a droid phone so I downloaded the google voice app and got a telephone number from them. At least I could talk to people as long as i had wifi. Couldn't make calls, but I prefer texting anyway.
About three days went by of that routine (and also the secret routine of harrassing my boyfriend's family members to find out where he was) until I was finally able to get in touch with him. He still had an attitude and had no idea that I was now 160 miles away...this was going to be a very interesting conversation. I don't remember exactly how, but I finally got in touch with him. We were arguing/texting for a while and I finally told him that I moved away. He was very hurt and upset, but I told him that didn't mean I wanted to break up. I knew we were mad at each other at that moment, but I figured we should think about what we wanted for the future before deciding to end things. If he was willing to move where I was, we didn't have to break up. The relationship with my boyfriend has always been simple, yet complicated. I found myself wondering what was going to happen to us, and knowing that if we broke up I would be crushed. I loved him very much and did not want to lose what took such a hard time to find. Unfortunately the task at hand was not a simple one, we both had major attitude problems at the time and neither one of us wanted to budge. I got to the point of not wanting to talk to him because I was just sick and tired of arguing. Not to mention that I knew that I would never move back to NJ, so if he couldn't decided to move away, we had no future. Dropping all of this on him while he was still mad was a terrible idea though, but I didn't think it could be avoided.
I spent a couple of weeks trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I decided that the only place to start was with a job. I set out going to every store and website I could think of to find out if they were hiring. I did so many job applications that I was tired of typing and writing my name. No job was beneath me though. I applied for McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's and every other job I could find. Big jobs and small jobs, no matter how much they paid, all received applications from me.
I also decided to find something to believe in. Not necessarily find something to believe in, but some positivity to focus on. I had already believed in a lot of things, but sometimes it is easy to lose sight of those things. So every Sunday I attended church with my cousin, her husband and their baby. My adorable baby cousin. Oddly enough, I enjoyed the services and joined the church the first time I went to a service. It felt good to be there and I felt like this decision could help change my life around. It also reminded me of a church that I used to go to in NJ and I realized how much I missed going to that church. Some of the people there are truly amazing.
On the homefront there was unfortunately nothing but drama. The girl occupying the attic must have forgotten that you are supposed to respect people that allow you to share their roof. She was very rude and inconsiderate in the things that she did and I could sense that things would be coming to a head very soon. I was getting very annoyed at the situation but tried to stay out of it because i have a very bad temper. I was trying to change the negativity inside of me instead of unleashing it on people in my new home. So I sat silently and listened to the drama unfold. Sometimes I wanted to take action, but most of the time it wasn't needed. Basically the girl never washed dishes, never bought food for the house, never paid any of the bills she was supposed to pay, was never home with her daughter (my cousin's husband was dropping her off and picking her up from the babysitter) and never asking permission to have her boyfriend AND his kid over for the weekend. She was making the house uncomfortable for my cousin, which I did not like at all. I do not think it's right to make other people uncomfortable in your home, but I think it's even worse to make the person who's home it is uncomfortable. Well, one day the tenant came home and decided to have a very loud and disrespectful conversation about my cousin with her husband. I decided to go upstairs and tell her to shut the hell up and have some respect, but my cousin stopped me before I could get to the third floor. She would take care of the problem on her own. I respected that and went back downstairs to try to think about something else.
The next day I found out that my cousin had basically told her to pack up her crap and get the hell out. She also told her to figure out another way to get her child picked up and dropped off, and another babysitter for the nights. This did not go over so well with her and she decided that she was going to go to my cousin's shop to confront her. Why oh why did this have to be a day I decided to stay home and do job appliations?? I was just figuring out how long it would take me to walk there when my cousin's husband called me. He told me what was going on and begged me not to get involved. He knows how my temper is and figured things would get seriously bad if I got involved. Being respectful of the people I lived with I told him that as long as she didn't lay a finger on my cousin, I would stay out of it. That was an agreement he said he could live with. Things got slightly worse before they got better, but two days later the girl and all of her stuff was gone. The house was finally at peace. Now I could really settle in and try to get comfortable. Of course, starting from scratch is never really peaceful or comfortable...
I would be sleeping on the couch since someone was occupying the attic. I did not mind at all because a comfortable couch was better than a park bench or a sidewalk. The situation in NJ when I left was horrible, so there was no place for me to go. My uncle apparently got drunk and decided to tell my family that I stole money from him. He is living in my grandmother's house. I would go there a lot because I could charge my phone on her porch and had a bathroom to use. So my uncle's money went missing and he accused me because my great uncle told him that he saw me go to use the bathroom. He called me and asked me about his money, and I told him I wouldn't take money from him no matter what my situation was. I guess he didn't believe me because he told me that me and my boyfriend weren't allowed to come over there anymore. The same day my grandmother berated me about using her porch to charge my phone without asking, so that was my queue to get the hell out of the area. The whole world was coming down on me it seemed. A day or two later my uncle called to apologize because he found his money. I didn't speak to him directly but he left a voicemail on my phone. By then, my feelings were too hurt to respond or call him back. Between him and my grandmother I decided that I wasn't going anywhere near that house anymore. He was not the first family member to accuse me of stealing something that I didn't take. That situation left me with very few options, so the feeling of being completely alone in the world was starting to settle right in.
Unfortunately when I got to my cousin's house they had no cable. Boredom is not good for me. My mind never quite settles down enough for me to get the rest I need. There also was no internet, but we could always steal it from the neighbors until they caught on. My initial days were spent trying to find dvd's to watch, or books to read, or people to text. I woke up with my cousin and helped her out in her shop. When I wasn't busy I was crying. I do not like to cry in front of other people, so I'm good at putting on the best real/fake smile I can muster and then completely break down when nobody is looking. Most of the crying came late at night. I was in a strange new place, I had to leave my children in NJ, I had left my boyfriend in NJ and wasn't even speaking to him at the moment, and it seemed like nobody else in the world cared about where I was or what I was doing. I had a prepaid phone that was always running out of minutes, so it was difficult to stay in touch with the outside world. Thank god for google voice. My AT&T phone that was out of commission was a droid phone so I downloaded the google voice app and got a telephone number from them. At least I could talk to people as long as i had wifi. Couldn't make calls, but I prefer texting anyway.
About three days went by of that routine (and also the secret routine of harrassing my boyfriend's family members to find out where he was) until I was finally able to get in touch with him. He still had an attitude and had no idea that I was now 160 miles away...this was going to be a very interesting conversation. I don't remember exactly how, but I finally got in touch with him. We were arguing/texting for a while and I finally told him that I moved away. He was very hurt and upset, but I told him that didn't mean I wanted to break up. I knew we were mad at each other at that moment, but I figured we should think about what we wanted for the future before deciding to end things. If he was willing to move where I was, we didn't have to break up. The relationship with my boyfriend has always been simple, yet complicated. I found myself wondering what was going to happen to us, and knowing that if we broke up I would be crushed. I loved him very much and did not want to lose what took such a hard time to find. Unfortunately the task at hand was not a simple one, we both had major attitude problems at the time and neither one of us wanted to budge. I got to the point of not wanting to talk to him because I was just sick and tired of arguing. Not to mention that I knew that I would never move back to NJ, so if he couldn't decided to move away, we had no future. Dropping all of this on him while he was still mad was a terrible idea though, but I didn't think it could be avoided.
I spent a couple of weeks trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I decided that the only place to start was with a job. I set out going to every store and website I could think of to find out if they were hiring. I did so many job applications that I was tired of typing and writing my name. No job was beneath me though. I applied for McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's and every other job I could find. Big jobs and small jobs, no matter how much they paid, all received applications from me.
I also decided to find something to believe in. Not necessarily find something to believe in, but some positivity to focus on. I had already believed in a lot of things, but sometimes it is easy to lose sight of those things. So every Sunday I attended church with my cousin, her husband and their baby. My adorable baby cousin. Oddly enough, I enjoyed the services and joined the church the first time I went to a service. It felt good to be there and I felt like this decision could help change my life around. It also reminded me of a church that I used to go to in NJ and I realized how much I missed going to that church. Some of the people there are truly amazing.
On the homefront there was unfortunately nothing but drama. The girl occupying the attic must have forgotten that you are supposed to respect people that allow you to share their roof. She was very rude and inconsiderate in the things that she did and I could sense that things would be coming to a head very soon. I was getting very annoyed at the situation but tried to stay out of it because i have a very bad temper. I was trying to change the negativity inside of me instead of unleashing it on people in my new home. So I sat silently and listened to the drama unfold. Sometimes I wanted to take action, but most of the time it wasn't needed. Basically the girl never washed dishes, never bought food for the house, never paid any of the bills she was supposed to pay, was never home with her daughter (my cousin's husband was dropping her off and picking her up from the babysitter) and never asking permission to have her boyfriend AND his kid over for the weekend. She was making the house uncomfortable for my cousin, which I did not like at all. I do not think it's right to make other people uncomfortable in your home, but I think it's even worse to make the person who's home it is uncomfortable. Well, one day the tenant came home and decided to have a very loud and disrespectful conversation about my cousin with her husband. I decided to go upstairs and tell her to shut the hell up and have some respect, but my cousin stopped me before I could get to the third floor. She would take care of the problem on her own. I respected that and went back downstairs to try to think about something else.
The next day I found out that my cousin had basically told her to pack up her crap and get the hell out. She also told her to figure out another way to get her child picked up and dropped off, and another babysitter for the nights. This did not go over so well with her and she decided that she was going to go to my cousin's shop to confront her. Why oh why did this have to be a day I decided to stay home and do job appliations?? I was just figuring out how long it would take me to walk there when my cousin's husband called me. He told me what was going on and begged me not to get involved. He knows how my temper is and figured things would get seriously bad if I got involved. Being respectful of the people I lived with I told him that as long as she didn't lay a finger on my cousin, I would stay out of it. That was an agreement he said he could live with. Things got slightly worse before they got better, but two days later the girl and all of her stuff was gone. The house was finally at peace. Now I could really settle in and try to get comfortable. Of course, starting from scratch is never really peaceful or comfortable...
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