Internal Peace? Yeah right...

It turns out that settling in and getting comfortable consisted of sitting on the couch crying my eyes out. At night or if I was home during the day, I sat on the couch and cried. I knew it would happen. There was so much turmoil inside of me that it had to come out eventually. All I could do is think about how I got to this place, and I couldn't figure out where to start to get myself out of that place. I tried watching dvd's, playing on facebook, and playing The Sims on the Wii. None of it distracted me for long though. My mind can really be my own worst enemy. Normally with so much time on my hands I would read. I love to read horror/mystery/suspense novels and I can go through them very quickly. I went in the basement and looked through some of my cousin's boxes (she is also a reader) and found some interesting looking books and bought them upstairs. Of course everytime I tried to read, the tears blurred my vision. I couldn't even get into a book.

So one day I got up with my cousin and went to the bake shop with her. I figured helping her was more productive than red, puffy eyes. I was starting to learn how to shape fondant into certain figures. I am not really artistic, so I stuck to making very simple shapes. I kept the difficult stuff to the professionals. Still, it was a pretty fun and cool process. I am always happy to learn something new, and I was glad to feel like I was helping the household out in some type of way. As I'm sitting in the back helping make fondant shapes, my boyfriend calls me. I immediately get up and walk away from the workers because recently every single time I talk to him I cry. I miss him so much and do not know the next time I will see him. We argue all the time and I have been breaking up with him everyday. He pretty much ignores the break ups because he knows that I am an emotional wreck, but he is also human and I'm driving him a bit crazy. So he calls and I go in the front to talk to him. I tell him how much I miss and love him and eventually start to cry. I guess I took a long time on the phone because my cousin came to find me and saw that I was crying. She wanted to know what was wrong. I said "I don't know." I told her I'm a basketcase and that crying is a part of my everyday activities. She said that the she knew it was coming because the girl that was there before me didn't move off the couch for two weeks and cried the whole time. Well, at least I was doing better than her. LOL.

When I think back now I think that my mind was just overwhelmed. I was in a brand new house, in a brand new area that I knew nothing about, my kids were far away, my boyfriend was far away, and I had no job and nothing to do. My mind raced constantly and it became difficult to focus on any one thing. What I thought of as a solution came about two weeks after I got to PA. I was going to go and visit NJ. My boyfriend promised that he would have things worked out for a place for me to stay, and I would try to take the shuttle to see my babies while I was out there. Of course, that did not go as planned. The day I was supposed to leave I got a sign that I should not go, but I was being stubborn. The bus that I had to take to get to Amtrak got stuck in hours worth of traffic. I had to call and get a later ticket because of it. I usually take stuff like that as a sign to just turn around, but the ticket was non-refundable and I wanted to see the people I loved most in this world. So I got on the train with reservations and excitement, and started my journey back to a place I was slowly starting to realize I didn't want to be.

My boyfriend was very excited that I was coming back for a few days. We didn't leave things on a good note and I guess he wanted to change that. I hadn't told anybody else that I was coming, mostly because I don't even think they knew I was gone. Him and his dad were gonna pick me up from Newark Penn Station and then we would get dropped off at his mom's house where we were staying...except I couldn't stay there. He never told her I was coming and therefore did not ask permission for me to come. (something I would have loved to know before I got on the freaking Amtrak) But his plan B was that we could stay in the attic (his old bedroom) and nobody would know we were there. Well the thing about that is I just happened to go to NJ on the three hottest days of the year. It was above 100 degrees outside, and much hotter than that in the attic. There was no air conditioner up there and he borrowed a fan from his sister. A fan that did no good at all. It was terrible. The heat was so bad I could barely breathe. If it was 105 outside, it was 110 or 115 in the attic. I stayed up there until about 4am. He was going to try to sneak me into the house where the a/c was because he didn't want me to pass out. Well that didn't work out very well. His mom just happened to be awake and proceeded to curse me out and tell me she was going to call the cops on me. I was raised to respect people's mothers so I didn't say a word back to her. I just walked away feeling very embarrassed.

Stay tuned for Internal Peace? Yeah right...Part 2...