Is it really over?

Before I actually told him it was over, there were weeks and weeks of constant bickering, ignoring each other, arguing, hanging up on each other and one of us breaking up with the other every five minutes. Not only was this the most fighting we had ever done, but it was the longest we had gone without seeing each other. This distance was not a good thing for my relationship. Those 5 or 6 weeks were agony. I wasn't used to things being like that and it was really taking a toll on me. I needed some distractions and to do something productive with my time. So...

In the meantime I was constantly filling out job applications. The problem with the application process was that I had no car to get me to whatever job may have wanted me. My cousin's husband said I could use his car, but sharing is never a good thing. Especially when it comes to cars. A person can tell you all they want that you can use something of theirs, but when it comes down to it, the situation will end disastrously. I DID NOT want to use either one of their cars, but it was looking like I didn't have a choice.

I had begun a car search to figure out what I wanted to try to get. I settled in the beginning on a Honda Prelude. This has been my favorite car for years. My very first car was a black 1986 Honda Prelude that I totalled when I rear ended a van by mistake. I was so devastated when I lost that car. Then years later I had a black 5 speed 1992 Prelude. I loved that car and didn't think I would ever get rid of it, but I eventually put it up for sale because I got pregnant with my daughter and could barely fit in it to drive anymore. LOL. Plus with two kids that just was not an ideal car to have. So I sold it to a couple in Maryland. I always wonder if they still have it...

So I decided that I wanted either a Honda Accord or an Acura CL. Those two cars appealed to me for some reason and I started a super search for both of them. The Accords are easier to find and less expensive. This time I want leather and power features for my car. I would be fine with a 98 or 99 with the ultimate package included. Very high expectations for a person that wasn't working yet. LOL. I like to plan ahead and know what I want though, and I wanted to try to use my time wisely instead of always doing something frivolous. I always took the new car magazines that you can get for free from the gas stations and looked up cars on craigslist. I also spent some time looking up apartments so I could get a feel for how much things cost around here. Apartments definitely perked my mood up because they are sooo much cheaper than NJ. The issue with apartments is that my credit is not the best and I would not dare ask someone to cosign for me. So I had to start coming up with a plan on how to do it on my own. I figured that offering more of a security deposit may sound good to some landlords. If only I had some income so that I could get this plan into action. Easier said than done...

So for about a month and a half I had a schedule of either getting up and going to the shop with my cousin, or staying home and doing job applications. I loved being at the shop, but hated getting up super early if it wasn't for a job. I knew I had to keep doing job applications, but being at home by myself all day everyday was driving me nuts. I was not sleeping very well and I didn't have much of an appetite. When the cable was turned back on it was very basic cable so for the most part there was never anything on. Even worse, I was starting to run out of places to apply for. I was getting nervous because in NJ it took me a year to find a job, and that one was just a temp job. There was no way I could be out here for a year with no income. No way in hell.

I think either at the end of July or the beginning of August my loneliness was temporarily cured. My cousin's god daughter and sister in law were coming to visit. They were both teenagers, but one of them was 17 and I always love spending time with teen girls. I remember how hard it was for me being a teenager and having someone to talk to at that age was essential. Back in NJ I was always spending time with my little cousin and my niece. I just hope that my influence in their lives mean as much to them as it does to me. They stayed for a week and it was actually a lot of fun. I got to know both of them very quickly and I really liked having them around. We played cards and board games and watched scary movies together. The older of the two was going to her senior year in high school so I talked to her about college and boys and life at home. We formed a bond in a very short amount of time. I used that time to take a slight break from typing my name, address and telephone number over and over again on job applications. I think by that point I had applied to at least thirty or forty jobs all over southern PA. I even applied for some in Maryland. (We live about twenty minutes from the PA/MD border)

In all this time I was still sleeping on the couch downstairs because I didn't have a bed or anything to sleep on in the attic bedroom. I figured I was better off on the soft couch than the hard floor. Well that changed the last day that the girls were there. Something happened that scared me into sleeping upstairs with the girls and never sleeping back downstairs again...I saw a mouse. The mouse wasn't even dirty, it's just the fact that it was a mouse. I do not like them one bit. To make it even worse, these PA mice don't know how to be afraid of humans like the ones in Jersey. They just look at you like you're invading their space and keep it moving. I told my cousins about it and relocated myself to the attic. I guess I would just have to deal with the hard floor now because I was not sleeping with the rodents. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an infestation by a long shot, but in my mind seeing one meant that I would be attacked in my sleep by a whole army of them. LOL. I know...ridiculous and dramatic but it's how my mind works.

My saving grace was that my cousins had rounded up all the blankets in the house for the girls and they were sleeping in them in the attic. After they left I just piled them all on top of each other and made myself a pallet. It was comfortable enough for me and at least now I had some privacy. I had been writing my BF at least once a week since I arrived in PA, and I decided to write him again. He never wrote me back but he usually called or texted and said he received my letter. We weren't on the best of terms but I tried to make an effort to write anyway. This was still a few days before I broke up with him. I have no idea what was in the letter, but I always wrote from the heart. Anything I wrote to him he knew was the truth and I always wrote him when I felt like I wanted to express something to him without arguing. My birthday was coming soon and I was turning 30. I wasn't sure how i felt about that and knew I wouldn't really be able to celebrate. So I wrote him about all the things I felt at the moment. The state of the relationship, me needing a job, a car, my birthday, my family, everything.

We didn't talk very much at all during these times and when we did it was rarely good. But this time when he called me he wanted to come and see me for my birthday. I was shocked, but excited about it. I wanted him to see my life now and also see the changes in me. I was still going to church every week and it was doing me a lot of good. My attitude and temper were getting a lot better, and I had a more positive outlook on life. I was trying my best to become a better woman. The plan was for us to buy his ticket a week ahead of time so that we weren't doing things at the last minute (which always ensures something getting screwed up). So that Tuesday I waited all day for him to call me so we could book his ticket. He did not bother to call me and when I called him he was on the phone with me for all of about 20 seconds and said he would call me back. He didn't. This was definitely not the first time he did this. Most of our phone calls were less than a minute with him rushing off the phone.

I couldn't even get him on the phone long enough to break up with him. So I sent him a text. I told him that I was tired of going through this. That he obviously wasn't interested in the relationship or me anymore, and that I wished he could have just been man enough to say it to me instead of treating me like this. I do not enjoy having my feelings hurt. There was a lot more in the text but I don't quite remember it. Also, he didn't bother to call me or even text me back. Great. So days went by and we were all preparing for what would be Hurricane Irene coming our way. I had been keeping track of it on the news and was worried because they were saying that Jersey would get hit pretty bad. My brain jumped straight to my kids and where they would be when the hurricane hit. I texted my ex but he never responded to me. That was normal. I couldn't keep minutes on my phone so I was using Google voice which is text message only. I texted a few people to find out how they were doing when it started raining. The part of PA I live in was not supposed to get it too bad, so my worry was for everyone else. I even texted my BF (ex) but of course he didn't respond to me.

Well, Irene left me with no electricity. I didn't understand it. I didn't go to sleep until about 2am, and then I kept getting awaken by the sounds of trees falling or scraping against the window. Why the hell did the electricity wait until the storm was mostly over to go out? Oh well, there was nothing I could do. I used the little bit of power left on my phone and turned on the wifi. I got online to look at how bad the damage was in NJ. It was pretty bad. I texted my loved ones and everybody was ok. Then I texted my BF (ex) and he didn't respond to me. Now I was getting worried because I wasn't asking about anything except if he was ok after the storm. He didn't answer. So I texted my friend and asked her to dial his number and see if someone picks up. He picked up on the first or second ring. When she told me that I went ballistic. I sent him a text that ripped him a new one. He had no choice but to text me back after that because I went off. I let him have it and then told him to go to hell. His response to me? You aren't gonna believe it...